I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up to No Good
by Potter4me
Summary: A series of Harry Potter gags all in one-shot form. Takes place throughout many different books.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, that privilege belongs to the great J.K. Rowling herself.**

Year One

Harry was curious. As small and scrawny as he was from years of deprivation with the Dursleys, he was packed full to bursting with curiosity. When he learned he was really a wizard, his curiosity only heightened as he strove to learn as much as he could about the magical world that had once been hidden to him. But as the old saying goes, curiosity killed the cat, and harry was about to start running low on his nine feline lives.

It was around Christmas time of his first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry when his curiosity was once again tested. Harry, along with his best friends, Ron and Hermione, were dying to learn the secret of the forbidden third floor corridor. They discovered by freak accident that in the room on the right hand side was one massive three headed dog dubbed Fluffy. But even more interesting then the large, multi-headed beast was what he was guarding. Fluffy sat on top of a trap door, a trap door that lead to a secret that the great and power Dumbledore wished to keep hidden. Harry and his friends suspected the vile Professor Severus Snape was attempting to uncover and steal the great secret hidden by the trap door, thus they needed to be the first to discover it and prove Snape's guilt.

Their giant friend and gamekeeper, Rubeus Hagrid, had already let spill one very important hint. The secret to the secret lay in finding more about Dumbledore's friend, Nicolas Flamel. Now Harry, Ron, and Hermione were searching the library high and low for any mention of Flamel's name.

"It's hopeless!" groaned Ron. "This is our third trip to the library this week and we haven't seen Flamel's name anywhere. Not in one single bloody book."

"Watch your language Ron! We'll find it eventually. I know I've seen his name before. Maybe it's just in a book we haven't looked at yet," replied Hermione, her nose buried in one of the many books that surrounded them.

"But we've looked everywhere!" Ron sighed, dropping the book he had been looking through into the ever growing pile of failures.

Harry dropped the book he had been looking in as well. They had been looking for hours now and his eyes were starting to get irritated as he rubbed them from behind his circular spectacles. He knew what Ron said wasn't true though, there was one place they had yet to look, the restricted section. The section was said to be full of dark magic and students could only look around there with a signed note from their teacher. Since harry couldn't see Professor McGonagall signing any such note, he was left staring at the area longingly from across the library.

* * *

Now it was Christmas break as the castle. The halls were near empty while the Great Hall was full of fresh pine trees and mistletoe, wafting the scent of Christmas to the remaining students. Harry, having never experienced a true Christmas before, was in awe of how beautiful and joyous the occasion could really be.

When he awoke on Christmas morning he was even more overjoyed to see for the first time a small pile of presents at the foot of his bed. Though he loved the sweater and sweets from Mrs. Weasley and was pleasantly surprised to find a fifty pence piece from his Aunt and Uncle, the gift that he loved the most was a large invisibility cloak that had apparently once belonged to his father. Though he didn't have any idea who gave it to him, he knew right away what to do with it.

As soon as his Christmas dinner was over and he could hear the Ron's loud snores drift from his side of the room, Harry wrapped the cloak around himself and slipped away into the night. The whole castle was open to him. Every nook and cranny was his to explore. He could finally sate his curiosity.

He crept out of the portrait hole, ignoring the confused squawks of the Fat Lady, and made his way toward the library. As soon as he got there, he made a beeline for the restricted section, the section full of dark magic, the section students were only allowed to go in with a signed note. He lit a lamp on his way, and though he could feel it being held up by his arm, it spooked him out that all it looked like was a lamp floating in mid air.

The section was in the back of the library, separated from the other books by a large felt rope. Stepping carefully over the rope, he thought to himself that if they wanted to make the section truly restricted they should have blocked it with something bigger, like a locked door.

As soon as Harry got into the section, he lowered his lamp and tried to make out the spines of the books, but to no avail. They were all written in peeling letters in hundreds of languages that Harry had never seen before. His only hope would be to take them off the shelves at random and hope he stumbled upon Flamel's name. Well, at least he had all night.

Harry started by taking a lighter, more colorful book off the shelves. It felt thin, almost like a large magazine of some sort. The cover looked well worn and he couldn't make it out in the dim light. He moved his lantern closer and let the book fall open.

Suddenly a high pitched, bloodcurdling shriek pierced the silence of the night. But the shriek didn't come from the book; it came from the scrawny, invisible boy holding the book. Screaming at the top of his lungs, Harry let both the book and the lamp fall to the ground with a crash that echoed around the library, but Harry didn't care. All Harry wanted to do was get as far away from that accursed library section as he possible could. He took off running out of the library, the cloak wrapped tight around him like a security blanket.

He ran past Filch in the hall, who was running the opposite way toward the library to see where the noise had come from.

"Students out of bed. Students are going to get punished," Filch mumbled gleefully as he ran into the library and made his way over to the restricted section. There on the ground he found a smashed lamp, still warm, next to the book open at the same page on the floor. He picked up the book and moved his own lamp closer to it to see what he was about. When he saw it he couldn't help but chuckle. He thought to himself that Dumbledore would not be pleased and he would take the evidence to him right away.

Filch ran with the book all the way to Dumbledore's office. He burst open the doors to find Dumbledore sitting at his desk, looking through several important looking papers.

Without even looking up, Dumbledore said calmly, "Yes Mr. Filch? What is it you wish to discuss with me?"

"Sorry to bother you Professor, but there appears to have been a student out of bed, looking through the restricted section when they shouldn't have been, no doubt. But they must have ran off as soon as they caught one glimpse of this," Filch answered smirking and holding out the book to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore looked up and took the book in his boney hands. Immediately a blush rose to his face. He slipped the book under the papers he had been looking at and said, "Why thank you Mr. Filch, will that be all?"

"Well Professor, I was wondering what we should do about the culprit? They need to be caught and punished immediately!" Filch said eagerly.

"No, no, I think they have learned their lesson. They won't be bothering you again. Good night Mr. Filch." Dumbledore said, turning he eyes back to his papers. But as Filch started making his way out the door, disgruntled, Dumbledore spoke one last time. "You known Filch, I only read them for the articles."

"Of course Professor," Filch replied. But as he made his way out the door and into the hallway he grumbled to himself, "Dumbledore really needs to find a new place to hide his gay porn magazines."

**Well I just made this for fun. I have some more fun ideas for chapters so please tell me if I should continue making these One-shots. And the best way to do that is Review! Potter out!**


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